I’m that 1 in 8 person.

everything

It’s Infertility Awareness Week. I feel like I should say something during this week since it happened to me. I’m that 1 in 8 person.

Sort of.

It happened to me because I waited too long and my eggs got old and were running out. It happened to me because I was looking for that perfect guy to have that perfect family with. Yeah well time ran out and I realized I was 38. Like what the hell just happened.

So I was like “I’m gonna adopt!” Went through months of that and about 5-7k later and they wanted me to wait. Seriously wait. But they wanted me to wait until I paid down my student loan. Well fuck…I have 15 years give or take of student loans and changing majors and retaking failed classes. They wanted me to wait 6 month to a year. How much lower do they think my student loan will be in that time. Hell, I’ll probably still be paying it when I’m old and retired.

I cried. I felt lost. I was alone.

Then I asked myself “I wonder if I can get pregnant.” “I wonder if I can do this alone.”

My research began….

Next thing I know I have an appointment at a well known and super successful clinic in my area. I met them, we talked, then we setup some tests. Tests that would determine if I can get pregnant and the odds.

Tests came back that I had “diminished ovarian reserve” and I can’t remember the technical term but basically old eggs. They can tell all this by numbers given during certain tests. Bottom line, I had very old eggs and not many left.

I met with the doctor where she explained all this in greater detail. All stuff that was over my head but at the time it probably made more sense. Her bottom line was that she didn’t think I could get pregnant, much less use my own eggs. So her bottom line was I would have to use donor sperm (since I’m single) and donor eggs. That fucking hurt. I felt empty.

But…I didn’t give up. I did more research and found somethings to do to maybe help my old eggs which in turn would help my odds. So the fun began.

2013 – I did three IUI’s. These are basically one step down from IVF. You take some meds to get on a cycle they can monitor and then they inject the sperm way up there and hope everything happens naturally. I did this 3 times.

2014 – I did three IVF’s. Tons more meds, injections I had to do myself and all the fun shitty side-effects that come with this. And I was on the maximum dose of everything. One didn’t take, one was cancelled before the transfer (eggs didn’t mature into embryos), and one pregnancy (turned non-viable). All tests showed I was pregnant but the ultrasound showed an empty sac. Boy did I cry. Like ugly cry.

2015 – My last IVF. It took. I was pregnant. I didn’t believe it until I saw it on the ultrasound. I remember shaking so much and couldn’t get myself to look at the screen, but the nurse said to look. I cried. I cried happy tears.

Sept 29, 2015 – My son was born. 7lbs 11oz. Perfect. Baby. Boy. 15 mins of pushing.

April 28th, 2017 – Tomorrow my son will be 19 months old!

He’s perfect. He’s smart. He’s silly. He’s mine. He was created from MY EGG and donor sperm.

I worked hard. I took extra supplements and vitamins and on my last attempt, I even did acupuncture. Did any of it make a difference? Who know, but I did anything and everything I could.

I do know a bit about infertility, but I believe it’s because I waited so long in life. Would I have needed IVF if I was in my 20’s or 30’s? I’ll never know. But I’m happy to have gone through this and I’ve met some wonderful friends through IVF who will be life-long friends and family forever.

I’ve also met through the sperm donor site, Z’s half siblings. He has 5 half siblings (4 brothers and 1 sister). They are family now. Family means the world to me and because of this path, my son will have a bigger family because of it.

I am that 1 in 8 people. And I’m ok with that. 🙂

 

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I just had to wait

I’ve been waiting for a couple of weeks to write again because I was worried things might go south. And I realize there is always a possibility for that to happen but I’m feeling pretty good today so I want to share with ya’ll.

Feb 16th – First u/s. Scared out of my mind. I sat on the table and waited for the tech and Dr. to come in. They come in and told them I was nervous to see an empty sac again. I told them I would be watching them instead of the monitor and to let me know if I can look. But while I was looking at them, out of normal reflex, I glanced over at the monitor and saw a tiny little baby. Heartbeat 130. 6w5d

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Mar 3rd – Second u/s. Not as scared but still worried that the heartbeat stopped or something else happened. This appt was with my actual Dr. Didn’t hesitate to look at the monitor this time and I saw a bigger sac and a bigger baby. Looks like a gummy bear. Heartbeat 172. 8w6d

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I’m feeling pretty awesome and relieved but still not out of the woods. But I think considering things have gone this far and that I’ve had to push my car out of being stuck in the snow, shoveling, and other strenuous tasks, I think this baby is nice and strong.

Symptoms: I’ve had two bad weeks of nausea. Not going to lie. As much as I wanted to be pregnant, I really didn’t want this. I don’t mind it when I’m home and can lie down when needed or puke in my own bathroom, but to have to hold it back while at work is getting really tough. But I’m trying not to complain. I finally told my manager and he is being super supportive and said if I need to work from home, just to let him know. But I also told him I’m trying not to be that person, but that it’s nice to know I can if I have a really bad day. I’ve had tender breasts but nothing like a couple of weeks ago. Or if my dog pushes off of me, then I notice them. Sleeping has been great so far. My main thing has been nausea.

My mom’s cute. She asked me when we can be excited. I told her that we can be but that until I announce it to the masses, to remain cautious. She agreed.

Next steps: I graduated from Shady Grove Fertility Center today and I have my first appt with my OB scheduled for March 17th (two more weeks). I was told that I might not get another u/s so I shouldn’t be surprised if I don’t.

Chat soon!

6w 2d – Waves of Nausea

I’m having a hard time dealing with the nausea. They come in waves and each day the waves are getting bigger and stronger. One minute I’m feeling normal and then the next this wave comes over me and my stomach is unsettled.  It’s not awful. I mean so many women have it way worse than I do. And I hate to complain about it because nothing would make me happier to know this is from the pregnancy.

When at work, sometimes I find it hard to make it to the end of the day. All I want to do is go home and lay down. I find myself munching on bland foods to keep something in my tummy or sipping on Ginger Ale.

But you know what the crappy thing is? The progesterone inserts can be the thing causing all this. The pregnancy itself may not be contributing to a single bit of these symptoms. It’s so hard to tell. Until I am off the progesterone inserts.

The past week I’ve been going to bed fairly early only because laying down makes me feel better. So I’m not getting a single thing done that needs to get done.

I’m two days about from the terrifying first u/s. I should be happy and I really want to be but I’m just not. I have the last cycle still pretty raw in my mind and how at my first and second u/s, the sac was empty. I know I shouldn’t keep dwelling on it but I can’t help it.

The weekend will go by pretty quickly and I’ll soon be walking into the clinic for the u/s. Monday will be the tell all. Please send prayers.

So far behind…

My last blog talked about my stim day 4 and stim day 6 monitoring appointments. A lot has happened. So I’ll do a quick fill in to catch you up to today.

1/6/15 – Stim day 8 – measured 8 follicles, estrogen 584
1/8/15 – Stim day 10 – still measured 8 follicles, estrogen 1166, this night I had acupuncture
1/9/15 – Stim day 11 – measured 12 follicles, estrogen 1474
1/10/15 – Stim day 12 – still measured 12, estrogen 1671
1/11/15 – Stim day 13 – measured 7 (had a tech in training), estrogen 1980
1/12/15 – Stim day 14 – back to measuring 12 (whew!), estrogen 2197, TRIGGER TIME!
1/13/15 – had acupuncture the night before retrieval
1/14/15 – egg retrieval, retrieved 17 eggs
1/15/15 – status call – out of the 17, 14 were mature, 8 fertilized
1/16/15 – 3 4cell, 1 3cell, 4 2cell
1/17/15 – 1 8cell, 2 7cell, 2 6cell, 2 5cell, 1 3cell
1/19/15 – Day 5 transfer, transfered the best three
Today – 2dp5dt, and the 2ww begins
Beta will be 2/2/15

So that should have everyone up to speed in case anyone out there was wondering what happened….not!

Oh, and I was being very optimistic that I might have at least two to freeze, but on day 6 I got the call that none made it to freeze. So this is it, my last attempt. I pray it works. I’m scared.

My last two monitoring appointments

Monitoring appointments usually occur every two days until you get closer to the trigger and then they will see you daily. Mine started this past Friday. The follicles during this appointment were very small but when I asked the technician how many she counted, there was seven on one side and five on the other. Not bad. This time last cycle they counted 13, but you can’t really go by that. I like to document everything so I can compare.

I had another appointment this morning. This was at a different location and I find that every technican counts them differently. However I had a doctor for this appointment. I’ve had him before. He started measuring them but went too fast for me to see what they measured. I asked him how many he measured and he said he measured five but there were more there. This time last cycle they also measured five.

In comparing my estrogen, this is what I have:

Day 4 stims – last cycle 141, this cycle 110

Day 6 stims – last cycle 369, this cycle 285.

I know each cycle can be different and I’m not really too concerned about it but I just wonder why they are that different. I guess if they are measuring smaller this cycle than last, they would be producing less estrogen. My next appointment is Tuesday so I hope to see a big improvement then.

I need help with my…..Stupid Dilemma

You would think picking a donor would be easy. It’s not. In fact, I think it’s worse because you have access to everything about them, their family medical history, essay questions, their profile, college grades, the list just goes on. When you are dating someone or you’re about to marry someone, you don’t know all that information.

I have to order donor sperm again. The last two IVF’s I used the same donor and his last attempt did result in a pregnancy (but I miscarried). So do I go with the same donor or choose a different one. I’ve had mixed suggestions.

I narrowed down my favorites again and upgraded my subscription so I can see ALL their information. Part of this subscription is seeing childhood photos, usually three of them. So I have two selected. The original one that I’ve been using and a new one.

Option 1 – The original donor (6’4″, tall dark and handsome firefighter with dimples, 206lbs, straight thick hair)

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Option 2 – The new option (6’2″, they say unique hazel eyes, 180lbs, thick wavy hair)

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So I’d love to get your opinion. Comment which option you like and if you want, why. I know most people use their husbands sperm so it might be hard to answer this question but any help is appreciated. I’m single and can’t decide what I want more, dimples or hazel eyes, 6’4″ or 6’2″. This is so stupid, isn’t it? HELP!

Cycle Day 5 Mixed with a Side of Grandma

What a long seven days. This past Friday my menses arrived so I was excited to be able to email me nurse and let her know. But of course I get her “out of office” reply. So I called the front desk and spoke with another nurse. She scheduled my cycle and had me start BCP Saturday. Usually it’s been on day 3 so I verified that she didn’t mean Sunday and she said to start on Saturday.

I will be on BCP for 14 days. Same as the last cycle that got cancelled. So we’ll see. At least this time if they need to keep me on BCP I will be able to do that. So let the fun times begin.

I go in for the pre-IVF evaluation on the 27th. I hope I’ll be able to keep going. The estimated retrieval date would be Jan 10th, but I have a feeling that this will all change based on the Dec 27 appointment.

So in the middle of getting this cycle started, mom and I got some bad news that grandma isn’t doing well. The back story is that she went in to the hospital around Thanksgiving for rapid heart rate. They gave her some meds and she was released after three days. A week or so ago, she wasn’t eating, said her stomach hurt and her chest hurt. An ambulance was called. Mom and I had plans to go down in March-ish but my Aunt called and said that we need to come sooner, like by the end of the year.

Well crap.

I spent all weekend trying to sort through my thoughts on this. My mom and I had a few discussions about it and we couldn’t figure out how to make it work unless I cancelled this cycle. Mom didn’t want me to do that and said neither would grandma. Now about my grandma, she has had Alzheimer’s for about 10 years. She can’t hold a conversation and doesn’t know much of what’s going on. Ticket prices are super high to fly down on the 27th (when my mom can get off work). Should I spend all this money to fly down for a couple of days, to talk to someone who isn’t here much anymore? Sounds terrible, I know. That has been my conflict. Will I regret not going down? My mom can skype and I can talk a bit with her and tell her I love her.

So after the second time grandma was in the hospital, mom decided to call hospice in. The hospice nurse was great and got to my uncle’s the very same day and by the end of that day, she brought a hospital bed, wheelchair, oxygen tanks and some other things. The hospice nurse said that grandma has congenital heart failure, which means she could leave us at any time.

I asked my nurse what other people do when they have family emergencies in the middle of a cycle and she said they cancel. This sucks. But I think mom decided that I don’t go. She wants to drive down so she can bring some stuff they need with her and she can bring some stuff that never made it in the move. She plans to stay two weeks.

Timing stinks.

IF, and I say that with a capital I F, the protocol goes as plans, that will put retrieval on Jan 10, which means the trigger shot will be Jan 8. Mom wasn’t planning on returning until Jan 9th. Let’s hope this all work out or that I figure out a way to twist my body around to give myself the injection.

And on top of all of this, I have to buy my donor goods. I can either go with the one I used the last two times or go with someone new. Oh the stress of all this!

I think that’s about it for now. I’m tired and can’t stay awake much longer. Chat later…