I’m that 1 in 8 person.

everything

It’s Infertility Awareness Week. I feel like I should say something during this week since it happened to me. I’m that 1 in 8 person.

Sort of.

It happened to me because I waited too long and my eggs got old and were running out. It happened to me because I was looking for that perfect guy to have that perfect family with. Yeah well time ran out and I realized I was 38. Like what the hell just happened.

So I was like “I’m gonna adopt!” Went through months of that and about 5-7k later and they wanted me to wait. Seriously wait. But they wanted me to wait until I paid down my student loan. Well fuck…I have 15 years give or take of student loans and changing majors and retaking failed classes. They wanted me to wait 6 month to a year. How much lower do they think my student loan will be in that time. Hell, I’ll probably still be paying it when I’m old and retired.

I cried. I felt lost. I was alone.

Then I asked myself “I wonder if I can get pregnant.” “I wonder if I can do this alone.”

My research began….

Next thing I know I have an appointment at a well known and super successful clinic in my area. I met them, we talked, then we setup some tests. Tests that would determine if I can get pregnant and the odds.

Tests came back that I had “diminished ovarian reserve” and I can’t remember the technical term but basically old eggs. They can tell all this by numbers given during certain tests. Bottom line, I had very old eggs and not many left.

I met with the doctor where she explained all this in greater detail. All stuff that was over my head but at the time it probably made more sense. Her bottom line was that she didn’t think I could get pregnant, much less use my own eggs. So her bottom line was I would have to use donor sperm (since I’m single) and donor eggs. That fucking hurt. I felt empty.

But…I didn’t give up. I did more research and found somethings to do to maybe help my old eggs which in turn would help my odds. So the fun began.

2013 – I did three IUI’s. These are basically one step down from IVF. You take some meds to get on a cycle they can monitor and then they inject the sperm way up there and hope everything happens naturally. I did this 3 times.

2014 – I did three IVF’s. Tons more meds, injections I had to do myself and all the fun shitty side-effects that come with this. And I was on the maximum dose of everything. One didn’t take, one was cancelled before the transfer (eggs didn’t mature into embryos), and one pregnancy (turned non-viable). All tests showed I was pregnant but the ultrasound showed an empty sac. Boy did I cry. Like ugly cry.

2015 – My last IVF. It took. I was pregnant. I didn’t believe it until I saw it on the ultrasound. I remember shaking so much and couldn’t get myself to look at the screen, but the nurse said to look. I cried. I cried happy tears.

Sept 29, 2015 – My son was born. 7lbs 11oz. Perfect. Baby. Boy. 15 mins of pushing.

April 28th, 2017 – Tomorrow my son will be 19 months old!

He’s perfect. He’s smart. He’s silly. He’s mine. He was created from MY EGG and donor sperm.

I worked hard. I took extra supplements and vitamins and on my last attempt, I even did acupuncture. Did any of it make a difference? Who know, but I did anything and everything I could.

I do know a bit about infertility, but I believe it’s because I waited so long in life. Would I have needed IVF if I was in my 20’s or 30’s? I’ll never know. But I’m happy to have gone through this and I’ve met some wonderful friends through IVF who will be life-long friends and family forever.

I’ve also met through the sperm donor site, Z’s half siblings. He has 5 half siblings (4 brothers and 1 sister). They are family now. Family means the world to me and because of this path, my son will have a bigger family because of it.

I am that 1 in 8 people. And I’m ok with that. 🙂

 

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Upcoming Follow-up Visit with Doctor

Now that the holidays are pretty much over with, I called the doctors office to finally get my follow-up visit scheduled. It’s for Jan 17. I’m sure she will want to move to IVF and the more I think about…yes, I know, I wasn’t supposed to be thinking about this during the holidays, it doesn’t seem all that bad, except for the cost.

I called and spoke with the financial counselor at Shady Grove Fertility Center to find out how much it cost. He gave me a price for a single cycle and another price for the multi-cycle. Of course the multi-cycle is about 5k more but you get two fresh cycles and one frozen transfer cycle, or whatever they call it. But the downside to this is if I get pregnant on the first IVF attempt, I don’t get refunded the difference.

So I worked on my 2014 budget to see how I can pay off my credit card debt. I can have all that paid off by June/July-ish. Not too bad but I’m not sure I can wait. In fertility time, that is forever! So I found some financial loans that I’m going to try and apply for but I worry that none of them will accept me. My credit is so-so, unfortunately.

So for those out there that have done IVF after IUI attempts, are there questions that you wish you had asked that I should ask during my follow-up? I’m putting together a list of questions so I don’t forget and I’m sure there will be some I didn’t even think of.

I’m a planner, so I try to learn, do, and prepare as much as possible before certain things, like this follow-up visit.

Any questions and advice ALWAYS welcome! I’m going this alone so I welcome any help.

 

IUI #3

I hope I can get back to blogging about my journey, and blog more frequently. I just finished IUI #3 and this past Monday I went in to the doctor for my beta test (pregnancy test). I took two home tests the Friday and Saturday before and both were negative so I was convinced that it would be a negative. I waited for the call and the phone rang after lunch to confirm what I ready knew – big fat negative!

I’m sad. I try to stay positive or at least appear positive but deep down I wonder if it will ever happen to me. Everyone around me is getting pregnant and it makes me jealous. I hate feeling that way but I do. I’ve wanted to be a mother for 17 years now. Maybe I waited too long to try on my own. Maybe I’m not meant to be a mother. That’s just the sad part of me talking but she has said those things. The positive side keeps saying that it will happen, it just might take more work since I’m 38. It’s a constant battle between parts.

The doctor wants me to schedule a FUV (follow-up visit) to talk about things and next steps. I’m pretty sure she will say that the next steps should be IVF. I’m okay with that but don’t have the money right now which keeps me sad. I don’t know the actual cost yet but I hear it could be between 10-15k. And who has that? I don’t. I’m single, remember? I decided to wait until the beginning of January to meet with my doctor. I don’t want any bad news to ruin my holiday and I’m thinking of worst case scenario, like based on your three IUI’s, you have a 1% chance of getting pregnant even with IVF.

I did contact my insurance and they do cover it but only for married couples. It’s not fair. Makes me so mad and upset that singles get different treatment than married couples. Even if insurance doesn’t provide the same coverage, anything helps.

So that’s where I am now. Waiting for my FUV and then I can figure out what to do. Any advice? Anywhere I can get a loan for those who have a lot of debt?

 

The Wait Might Be Longer

I’ve been waiting for my next cycle so I can try IUI round #2. As I sit here staring at my desk calendar and checking my menstrual app, it appears I’m going to start on August 28th! But wait, a Wednesday? I’ve been starting on a Sunday/Monday for years. So I begin counting the days in my app and it looks like it could be that weekend before. Normally this wouldn’t be a big deal EXCEPT that I am going away for business from the 26-28th. So now I’m beginning to worry that she will arrive while I’m out of town. Then I’ll have to wait another month. Oh this is torture!

I’m trying to stay busy – working on my art, getting ready for an art show, trying to date a new guy, work out in the yard and the list goes on. But now that I’m approaching this possible round #2 date, I’m panicking! I know I shouldn’t and whatever happens, happens but that is so much easier to say than to do.

Let’s hope that it arrives on the 28th and all will be good in the world. 🙂

I’m Okay With That

I started my second round of IUI this past Sunday, with Sunday being CD1. I went in this morning for my CD3 blood work and ultrasound. I arrived at a bright an early 7am just to find the building door locked. A bunch of us waited to be let in and all ended up going to the same place. I was practically last. I signed in and waited.

I was called back to a room. The technician found a cyst. They said I needed blood work done to check the estrogen levels of the cyst. They drew blood and then I headed off to work.

I received a call from my nurse coordinator and she said my estrogen levels were something like 246, and that we need to skip this cycle and try again next month. I’m okay with that. Of course I’m disappointed but I don’t really have any right to be sad or upset. There are many people who have been on this journey for much longer. And I’d rather skip a month then for them to continue and it not work anyway.

I’m honestly not sure what the estrogen level does for fertility. I asked my nurse coordinator but she was vague. I tried researching it but couldn’t really find it. All I was told was that if my estrogen levels were elevated, and I took the fertility meds, that my E2 levels would be high. Doesn’t tell me anything. Is it bad for the levels to be high? I obviously don’t know how this all works.

So I wait. The upside is I’ve ordered Clomid, Ovidrel and more Progesterone. I’ve ordered additional donor sperm. So…when the cycle is good to go, so am I.

 

IUI #1 Beta Test – Negative

Just like I suspected, the nurse coordinator called me this afternoon and said that my conclusion was correct. It was a negative. I could be sad and upset but honestly, this was my first one. The most I am is disappointed. I’m not sad or upset at all. I didn’t think it would happen the first time. Sure, I would have loved it if it happened the first time but it didn’t. I think with the first round, I was stressed because it was a new process, stressed giving myself the injections, stressed by reading forums and message boards, stressed when I made the payment, stressed researching every little possible symptom I thought I was having.

So this weekend I begin the second round. This time I plan to be different. I won’t worry about that payment as I’m hopefully going to be approved for a loan. I won’t worry about the injections because now I’ve done it and it was easy. I won’t worry during the two week wait. The things that I will do is stay off the Internet, stay off the forums and message boards, stay busy in a positive way, not count down the days until the beta test. Then on beta day, remain cautiously positive and stay busy.

On to round 2!

Two Week Wait – Half Way Point

I am exactly at my half way point of this two week wait. My appointment is a week from today at 7:15am. I will know the results by the end of that day. I did buy two pregnancy tests but not sure if I will use them. I have mixed feelings about it because if it shows a negative, I will be upset. BUT if it shows a positive, I could be relieved and happy a couple of days before the official results day.

Decisions.

Today is 7dpo. I don’t feel anything yet. I feel bloated but that could be from the progesterone supplements. I feel tired, but that is pretty normal for me. I don’t feel cramps and no spotting. But I have some major gas…(sorry, TMI). No tender breasts or nipples. Nothing.

I’m kind of scared to get the results, whether I do a home pregnancy test or wait until my results day. I know this is only my first IUI, and we don’t know if I have any fertility issues since I’ve never tried to get pregnant, so if it doesn’t take, it could ultimately mean that there is a possibility of having some sort of fertility issue.