The worst part

Of the 2ww is that you have to continue taking the progesterone and estrace (is that right?) even when you are getting negative home pregnancy tests. Part of me just wants to quit taking it but I always stick to it until either AF (aunt flow) or the nurse tells me to quit. Oh and speaking of, so far still no AF. Cramp yes, AF no…so far. Which makes this all very confusing, because today is 12dp3dt and the home test was a big fat “notevenclose’ all white space. Not a hint of a second red line to give me a glimmer of hope. Nothing. I kept staring at it thinking it would just magically appear. It didn’t.

The other “worst” part of the 2ww is that you analyze every thing you feel. Oh, shooting pain on left side, let’s google that and put that in my IVF journal for today. I mean seriously, why do we do this to ourselves. Prime example…last night I’m crawling into bed and getting settled. I have the TV on, the dogs comfy and I’m about to start reading my kindle, when all of a sudden my mouth starts watering and I had to throw up. I sat up to see if it would pass by but it didn’t. I rushed to the bathroom to end up barely making it to the sink, but only dry heaved. Still not feeling any better. I sat in front of the toilet (which reminds me, I really need to clean that bowl this weekend) and dry heaved once or twice more. Nothing ever came up. After that I felt fine and went back to bed. Seriously? WTF. Was. That?! I mean it can’t be because I’m pregnant because the home test says I’m not so what brought that on. I’ve never in all my life had that happen. When I throw up it’s usually because of too much alcohol, stomach bug (most of the time that’s the other end) and food poisoning (that’s usually both ends)…so where did that come from?

That’s what makes this 2ww horrible. You get these small balls of hope just to have another ball of doubt knock it out. As much as I hate doing 3-5 injections a day, plus a terrifying longassthickass needle for the trigger shot, the 2ww is the WORST.

So to sum up the last two days:

  • 11dp3dt – back pain, cramps, throwing up (or trying to)
  • 12dp3dt – back pain, cramps, shakes around lunchtime, sharp pains in stomach area

I know people say I’m not out of it yet until the beta test, but today is the first day I’ve really felt defeated; that it isn’t going to happen this time. It bums me out. And makes me so mad at myself for not doing this sooner. I mean three embryos were put back in. Not one is going to stick? Sad.

IUI #1 Beta Test – Negative

Just like I suspected, the nurse coordinator called me this afternoon and said that my conclusion was correct. It was a negative. I could be sad and upset but honestly, this was my first one. The most I am is disappointed. I’m not sad or upset at all. I didn’t think it would happen the first time. Sure, I would have loved it if it happened the first time but it didn’t. I think with the first round, I was stressed because it was a new process, stressed giving myself the injections, stressed by reading forums and message boards, stressed when I made the payment, stressed researching every little possible symptom I thought I was having.

So this weekend I begin the second round. This time I plan to be different. I won’t worry about that payment as I’m hopefully going to be approved for a loan. I won’t worry about the injections because now I’ve done it and it was easy. I won’t worry during the two week wait. The things that I will do is stay off the Internet, stay off the forums and message boards, stay busy in a positive way, not count down the days until the beta test. Then on beta day, remain cautiously positive and stay busy.

On to round 2!