The worst part

Of the 2ww is that you have to continue taking the progesterone and estrace (is that right?) even when you are getting negative home pregnancy tests. Part of me just wants to quit taking it but I always stick to it until either AF (aunt flow) or the nurse tells me to quit. Oh and speaking of, so far still no AF. Cramp yes, AF no…so far. Which makes this all very confusing, because today is 12dp3dt and the home test was a big fat “notevenclose’ all white space. Not a hint of a second red line to give me a glimmer of hope. Nothing. I kept staring at it thinking it would just magically appear. It didn’t.

The other “worst” part of the 2ww is that you analyze every thing you feel. Oh, shooting pain on left side, let’s google that and put that in my IVF journal for today. I mean seriously, why do we do this to ourselves. Prime example…last night I’m crawling into bed and getting settled. I have the TV on, the dogs comfy and I’m about to start reading my kindle, when all of a sudden my mouth starts watering and I had to throw up. I sat up to see if it would pass by but it didn’t. I rushed to the bathroom to end up barely making it to the sink, but only dry heaved. Still not feeling any better. I sat in front of the toilet (which reminds me, I really need to clean that bowl this weekend) and dry heaved once or twice more. Nothing ever came up. After that I felt fine and went back to bed. Seriously? WTF. Was. That?! I mean it can’t be because I’m pregnant because the home test says I’m not so what brought that on. I’ve never in all my life had that happen. When I throw up it’s usually because of too much alcohol, stomach bug (most of the time that’s the other end) and food poisoning (that’s usually both ends)…so where did that come from?

That’s what makes this 2ww horrible. You get these small balls of hope just to have another ball of doubt knock it out. As much as I hate doing 3-5 injections a day, plus a terrifying longassthickass needle for the trigger shot, the 2ww is the WORST.

So to sum up the last two days:

  • 11dp3dt – back pain, cramps, throwing up (or trying to)
  • 12dp3dt – back pain, cramps, shakes around lunchtime, sharp pains in stomach area

I know people say I’m not out of it yet until the beta test, but today is the first day I’ve really felt defeated; that it isn’t going to happen this time. It bums me out. And makes me so mad at myself for not doing this sooner. I mean three embryos were put back in. Not one is going to stick? Sad.

My Way to Not Stress During 2ww

When I started my 2ww I instantly began worrying if this would work. Wondering what my body is supposed to be doing and what my body is probably actually doing. This is the fourth time I’ve had to endure this horrible thing called the 2ww (2 week wait). I’ve gone through three IUI inseminations and the current IVF. Each time does get easier in a sense, but it also gets harder.

This 2ww I’ve decided to do things differently. Since I was wondering what my body was doing each day, well if I POAS (pee on a stick) everyday, then I’ll know! Right? I didn’t want to start right away because the trigger shot would give me a false positive. I started on 4dp3dt. It came up with a negative but eventually it gave me a very very faint line. So to me that meant the trigger shot was still in my system. Not to worry.

I tested each day. And every day afterwards it’s been a clear negative. I’m okay with that. I now know the trigger shot it gone so now when I do get a second line, I’ll know there’s a good chance it will be legit.

This is acting as my POAS diary. On each stick I write the date and time I took it. I’m keeping them in a bag so I can later see the pattern. It’s actually helped me not stress so much. I mean I don’t like seeing a negative BUT now that I’m getting used to seeing a negative, imagine my joy when I see those two pretty lines. I don’t have to wonder every day if I’m pregnant. I don’t have to look up every twinge and tug, pain and pinch. I test in the morning and then I know for that day.

If you find something that helps you stay stress-free during the longest two weeks of your life, why not do it? Who cares what other people say or think about what you are doing. This is about you and staying calm.

Embryo Transfer Day

I woke up this morning and kept thinking to myself that I will probably get a call cancelling the transfer. Perhaps they stopped dividing like what happened during IVF #1. I took my shower and went about my normal morning routine; still frequently checking my phone.

I was instructed to bring two bottles of water and drink on my way to the doctor’s office. I drank one bottle and knew I couldn’t drink anymore or I would have to pee. They want a moderately full bladder for the transfer; I guess it helps them see things better.

I enter the waiting room and was informed I was the last person for the day. I sat down and took out my phone to turn it to vibrate when a nurse called me back. She asked me a few questions and I waiting until the room was ready. I removed my flip flops and put on little booties. She brings me back to the room and has me undress from the waste down. I sit on the table and wait. In front of me is a clock. Next to me are two monitors. Nothing else to look at. So I watched the clock tick by. I don’t know about you, but when I get naked, I have to pee even more. So now I’m getting worried that I’m not going to make it through the transfer without peeing. Terrible thought, I know!

Finally the transfer doctor came in and asked me some questions. He then told me that I have two 8-cell and one 4-cell embryos. I was shocked! The day before they were 2-cell and 1-cell. They grew a lot in 24 hours. So he confirmed about transferring all three and I hesitated but decided to move forward with all three. I was nervous, but he thought that the 4-cell wouldn’t do much anyway.

I informed him the urgency of the pee situation. But I told him I wouldn’t pee on him. Two other nurses were in there with us. One has a sonogram onĀ  my belly so he could see where he needs to go. He said my uterus looks perfect and the nurses agree. I can’t read those monitors so I agreed with what they said. On the monitor on the wall they had a picture of my three embryos. He inserts the catheter and they ring a bell to let the embryologist know that we are ready. She brings in my three embryos in a tube. He inserts them and he watches on the monitor as he pushes them in. Again, I can’t see a thing.

We have to wait for one minute to make sure the embryos are out and then he removed the tube and the embryologist has to verify that none were left in the tube. We got the all clear and I was able to sit up. A nurse came in to go over instructions on what I can and can’t do over the next few days.I told the nurse that it’s too bad I can’t get a picture of my embryos and she said that I would. So I have a picture of them that I can look at and think positive thoughts.

I put my clothes back on and ran to the ladies room. I almost didn’t make it. Not gonna lie.

Cramping occurred the rest of the day. When I went to bed, the cramps were pretty bad.