Quick update on me

When I was blogging before, it was when I was trying to have a baby solo-style. And then I got pregnant. Well I quickly forgot about the blog while I spent time with my newborn, then time just got away from me. My son will be 3yo in Sept. Crazy, right?

Actually what’s CRAZY is me trying this all again. I’m 43. My AMH is even lower (before it was .7, now it’s .3) But my goal is to give my son a sibling. Things started to fall into place when another sibling mom had our donor vials leftover. So I thought, wow, my son could have a sibling by the same donor, how cool? Then I found out from a coworker/friend, that our insurance resets. So I called and confirmed that after you have a live baby, the insurance does in fact – reset. So they are giving me three more transfers.

Fast forward just a bit…

Cycle 1 – around March/April – they only retrieved 4 eggs. 2 fertilized but grew slowly so we canceled the transfer and froze both of them (day 6 and a day 7).

Cycle 2 – May/June – only retrieved 2 eggs, both fertilized, again they grew slowly.

We went ahead with a transfer at that point but we used the 2 frozen ones. Later I found out that the 2 from cycle 2 stopped growing so they were tossed. Blah.

Had the transfer on June 6, with both frozen embryos. They looked great. One hatched already and the other one was hatching. I home tested and I was pregnant. BUT I wasn’t going to believe it until I saw the ultrasound. My numbers were doubling properly, the pee sticks were getting darker. I get to the ultrasound – sac, but no baby.

Now this happened before. The cycle before I got pregnant with my son, this exact same thing happened. That’s why I wasn’t going to believe until I saw a baby. I went back a week later, still no baby – just an empty sac. They call this a blighted ovum.

So I have a D&C scheduled for this Thursday. It will probably take 6-8 weeks to get a period again before I can start again. I hate waiting.

That’s where I am with that.

Moving on to two other exciting things:

  1. Infertility can happen due to so many variables but one is toxic chemicals in your life. Soon after I had my son, I joined an amazing company called Beautycounter. They are leading the way to the beauty industry making changes. They intentionally leave out over 1500 chemicals in their products. They have skincare, makeup, baby/kids, and mens coming soon! Join me here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/counterbalancedlifewithtracy/
  2. My son loves books. He loves them all. I had recently discovered Usborne books and was hooked. I signed on to get the super huge discount but then I actually enjoy sharing the books with others. Join me here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/tracysusbornebooks/


Next thing to catch you up on is we moved! We were in the Baltimore, MD area and last August 2017, we moved to a small town in NC called New Bern. Bigger house, more land, in ground swimming pool, and 45 mins from amazing non-touristy beaches. My Maryland job let me take it with me so now I get to work from home. Zane is still in daycare and loving it. We are working on potty training but he’s just not getting it yet!

Ok chat later!

I’m that 1 in 8 person.


It’s Infertility Awareness Week. I feel like I should say something during this week since it happened to me. I’m that 1 in 8 person.

Sort of.

It happened to me because I waited too long and my eggs got old and were running out. It happened to me because I was looking for that perfect guy to have that perfect family with. Yeah well time ran out and I realized I was 38. Like what the hell just happened.

So I was like “I’m gonna adopt!” Went through months of that and about 5-7k later and they wanted me to wait. Seriously wait. But they wanted me to wait until I paid down my student loan. Well fuck…I have 15 years give or take of student loans and changing majors and retaking failed classes. They wanted me to wait 6 month to a year. How much lower do they think my student loan will be in that time. Hell, I’ll probably still be paying it when I’m old and retired.

I cried. I felt lost. I was alone.

Then I asked myself “I wonder if I can get pregnant.” “I wonder if I can do this alone.”

My research began….

Next thing I know I have an appointment at a well known and super successful clinic in my area. I met them, we talked, then we setup some tests. Tests that would determine if I can get pregnant and the odds.

Tests came back that I had “diminished ovarian reserve” and I can’t remember the technical term but basically old eggs. They can tell all this by numbers given during certain tests. Bottom line, I had very old eggs and not many left.

I met with the doctor where she explained all this in greater detail. All stuff that was over my head but at the time it probably made more sense. Her bottom line was that she didn’t think I could get pregnant, much less use my own eggs. So her bottom line was I would have to use donor sperm (since I’m single) and donor eggs. That fucking hurt. I felt empty.

But…I didn’t give up. I did more research and found somethings to do to maybe help my old eggs which in turn would help my odds. So the fun began.

2013 – I did three IUI’s. These are basically one step down from IVF. You take some meds to get on a cycle they can monitor and then they inject the sperm way up there and hope everything happens naturally. I did this 3 times.

2014 – I did three IVF’s. Tons more meds, injections I had to do myself and all the fun shitty side-effects that come with this. And I was on the maximum dose of everything. One didn’t take, one was cancelled before the transfer (eggs didn’t mature into embryos), and one pregnancy (turned non-viable). All tests showed I was pregnant but the ultrasound showed an empty sac. Boy did I cry. Like ugly cry.

2015 – My last IVF. It took. I was pregnant. I didn’t believe it until I saw it on the ultrasound. I remember shaking so much and couldn’t get myself to look at the screen, but the nurse said to look. I cried. I cried happy tears.

Sept 29, 2015 – My son was born. 7lbs 11oz. Perfect. Baby. Boy. 15 mins of pushing.

April 28th, 2017 – Tomorrow my son will be 19 months old!

He’s perfect. He’s smart. He’s silly. He’s mine. He was created from MY EGG and donor sperm.

I worked hard. I took extra supplements and vitamins and on my last attempt, I even did acupuncture. Did any of it make a difference? Who know, but I did anything and everything I could.

I do know a bit about infertility, but I believe it’s because I waited so long in life. Would I have needed IVF if I was in my 20’s or 30’s? I’ll never know. But I’m happy to have gone through this and I’ve met some wonderful friends through IVF who will be life-long friends and family forever.

I’ve also met through the sperm donor site, Z’s half siblings. He has 5 half siblings (4 brothers and 1 sister). They are family now. Family means the world to me and because of this path, my son will have a bigger family because of it.

I am that 1 in 8 people. And I’m ok with that. 🙂


It’s too hard…picking a name!

How_to_baby_name_game_2Who would think that picking a name would be this difficult? Not me. I guess during the whole IVF process I kept picturing me with a girl and there are so many nice girl names, but I’m having a terrible time with a boy name. I have three possible leaders right now. I’m not going to share the names only because they still could change, BUT I will share the first letters.

  1. Z
  2. W
  3. T

There they are! Revealing isn’t it? 🙂

I envy those who know exactly what they would name their girl or boy. I thought this would be easier but so far it hasn’t been and I’ll probably end up with a top three list and once I meet him, whichever name he looks like will end up being his name.

I tend to like unusual names. Nothing too out there like Apple or Sparrow but a name that you don’t hear every day. For example, I told my team at work that I won’t be picking Chris because I work with about six of them.

Maybe, just maybe this baby name will be a surprise for when he’s born, but I’d love to start calling him by a name. Soon maybe.

22 Weeks

As I’m sitting here eating my lunch I got to thinking about this whole being pregnant thing. I’m starting to believe it’s actually happening. Aside from all the puking I did the first 12 weeks or so, I’m enjoying the changes my body is going through.

  1. Can’t cross my legs when sitting. Belly makes me a bit uncomfortable.
  2. Harder time lifting my leg to shave them. This summer I could have hairy legs, or maybe I can let some Nair drip down my legs and then wash them off.
  3. Putting my socks on sideways. Summer I shouldn’t be wearing socks, but the last few days it’s been rainy and freezing at work. Socks it is then.
  4. Sleeping on my sides is getting annoying. My whole life I’ve been a stomach sleeper. My body naturally knew that it wasn’t an option and allowed me to fall asleep on my sides. I was told I can’t sleep on my back because of pressure and blood flow, SO that leaves two sides of my body. I’m starting to not find this comfortable, and how much longer do I have? Geez.
  5. I change the polish on my toes last week. Saw how difficult this is becoming. Either my mom will have to change the polish, I’ll go with naked toes for the summer, or I’ll go to a nail place and pay to have them change the color (although I hate to do that), so we’ll see how this goes.
  6. Lower back, butt cheek, top of back of leg pain. I think this muscle is connected and the whole damn thing hurts. I sit at a desk during the week and when I go to stand up, I morph into a 98 year old.
  7. Love the belly getting bigger. I’ve never felt so lovely and beautiful having a big belly.
  8. Last couple of weeks I’ve felt movement. Not sure if he’s kicking, punching, or rolling over, but I feel “stuff” going on.
  9. I’ve gained about 10lbs. And I don’t mind!
  10. I finally get to park in the Expectant Mother’s parking spot at work. I’ll only be able to take advantage of this once, so I am.
  11. Had so much fun painting the nursery. Took me only a day and I’m so pleased with how it turned out.
  12. Mom ordered the crib and it arrived yesterday. This weekend I’ll be putting it together. The dresser comes next week. Did I mention it’s feeling more real.
  13. Oh…invitations have been sent out. I can’t wait to see who RSVPs.

20weeks  10428450_10205745758896512_7497245833518642261_n   11031063_10205835108210189_3075216674307997655_n

16 Weeks

Wow! 16 weeks. I can’t believe I’ve made it this far. It still feels surreal. It sounds silly since I’ve wanted this for so long just to get it and not believe it’s real.

The puking, for the most part, has gone away. Sometimes a bad day will rear it’s ugly head and I’m running off to hopefully make it to a toilet before it all comes up. There’s nothing that sets it off really. My energy levels have gone up a bit which means I can start getting things done.

Nursery – I’ve started clearing out what will become the nursery. For the last few years it’s been a spare bedroom and putanythingthatdoesn’thaveahomeyet in there for storage. But I’m hardcore nesting which makes it super easy for me to go through things and put them in the Goodwill pile. I have a load or two to take this weekend.

Registry – Almost done! This was the fun part. I find myself still jumping on it to review and either add something or remove something.

Baby Shower – I’ve finally picked a date and sent out Save the Date. In another month or so I can start doing the invitation. I have them picked out and go perfectly with my vision. BaByQ! Ha, don’t you love it? A BBQ baby shower at my house.

My Bump – It’s starting to push outward.


13 Weeks

I’m in my 13th week of pregnancy and I still can’t believe it. I mean I do believe it but this journey has been so long and sometimes I never thought it would happen. But I researched and did everything my acupuncturist told me to do and here I am – 13 weeks pregnant!

This is a big week in many ways. Thirteen weeks means I’m just about out of the first trimester, so come on puking, go away already. I will also learn the results of the Maternit21 test I took a couple of weeks ago. And once I have the results, I can officially announce my pregnancy. Told you, big week.

13th week ailments – Morning sickness (or what I call “anytime of the day sickness”) is still there but I feel it’s getting better. It’s hard to know for sure because I think I still puke at least once most days. Lower back aches when I stand up. It takes me a minute to straighten up sometimes. And when people say fatigue, they ain’t kidding. The past several weeks I’m in bed between 7 and 8. The last week I’ve noticed I’ve been up a bit longer so maybe I’m getting some of that energy back.

Maternit21 test – So the results came in on April 1st, yep, April Fool’s Day. The lady said that everything came back negative so that means I have a healthy baby. She asked me if I wanted to know the sex and I said of course! I’m having a BOY! Now I can start planning.

Pregnancy Announcement – So I was waiting for the gender results before I officially announced. Those results come in on April Fool’s Day and at first I was against posting it on that day, but after getting the news of a boy, I stopped by Target on my way home and picked up some boy shoes, went home and flipped the calendar to October, circled the due date, put the shoes with the u/s near the top and took a picture. Later that night, while lying in bed I decided to post it to Facebook. It read like this: This is not an April Fool’s joke. I’m 13 weeks. #pregnant #itsaboy

After my mom saw me post it, she posted “I am finally going to be a grandma to a little boy…come this october I will have a little pumpkin”. So freakin cute! She’ll be a wonderful grandma.

Everyone was thrilled. Now that it’s out and I can openly talk about it, it feels a bit more real.

First OB Appointment

I had my first OB appointment of March 17th. This was with a new OB who lives right down the street from me, all female staff, and use one of the best hospitals in Maryland for deliveries. Figured it was a win win then.

The doctor was really nice and she asked me a bunch of questions about the pregnancy, like when did I find out, IVF stuff, and some family history. She then surprised me by saying to get undressed from the waist down and we’ll have a look. Yes!

Using the wand, she found the baby and took some measurements. The baby measured 3 days ahead, which means everything was good. She had stopped moving the wand for a second and I was like “wait, wait, is the baby moving around?”. She said yes! The baby’s arms and legs were moving around like s/he was trying to swim or something, or maybe dance. So amazing!

She had me get dressed and we talked some more about genetics testing. She told me about two of them. One, called Maternit21 is a blood test that determines chromosomal abnormalities. This test can also determine the sex of the baby. The second test, Nuchal Transluncency (NT) scan is just that, a scan. They do an u/s and measure the baby’s neck and nasal area to determine odds of your baby having Down’s or something else. Odds, really? Like 1 out of 100, 1 out of 10,000? The first test was a yes or no and the second is odds.

I opted to start with the first test, Maternit21. They drew blood for that test, several vials I think. She made an appointment at the hospital for the NT scan and said if I choose to cancel it later on, to go ahead and do so. Fine.

The Maternit21 takes 10 business days to hear results. More waiting.

I scheduled my next appointment and went on my way. When I got home I did research both tests. The Maternit21 seems more accurate than the NT scan so I did eventually cancel that one. The only thing the NT scan would have detected that the Maternit21 doesn’t – are heart defects. Well I’ll just have to live without knowing about those.

As the days went on, I began to worry about these tests results. I mean I don’t have family history of Down’s and neither does the donor but since I’m now 40yo, my old eggs could make that happen. I kept picturing my life with a baby with Down’s. It made me sad. I’m single and it’s going to be hard enough raising this baby without any additional situations.

I guess I’ll just wait and see.

I just had to wait

I’ve been waiting for a couple of weeks to write again because I was worried things might go south. And I realize there is always a possibility for that to happen but I’m feeling pretty good today so I want to share with ya’ll.

Feb 16th – First u/s. Scared out of my mind. I sat on the table and waited for the tech and Dr. to come in. They come in and told them I was nervous to see an empty sac again. I told them I would be watching them instead of the monitor and to let me know if I can look. But while I was looking at them, out of normal reflex, I glanced over at the monitor and saw a tiny little baby. Heartbeat 130. 6w5d


Mar 3rd – Second u/s. Not as scared but still worried that the heartbeat stopped or something else happened. This appt was with my actual Dr. Didn’t hesitate to look at the monitor this time and I saw a bigger sac and a bigger baby. Looks like a gummy bear. Heartbeat 172. 8w6d


I’m feeling pretty awesome and relieved but still not out of the woods. But I think considering things have gone this far and that I’ve had to push my car out of being stuck in the snow, shoveling, and other strenuous tasks, I think this baby is nice and strong.

Symptoms: I’ve had two bad weeks of nausea. Not going to lie. As much as I wanted to be pregnant, I really didn’t want this. I don’t mind it when I’m home and can lie down when needed or puke in my own bathroom, but to have to hold it back while at work is getting really tough. But I’m trying not to complain. I finally told my manager and he is being super supportive and said if I need to work from home, just to let him know. But I also told him I’m trying not to be that person, but that it’s nice to know I can if I have a really bad day. I’ve had tender breasts but nothing like a couple of weeks ago. Or if my dog pushes off of me, then I notice them. Sleeping has been great so far. My main thing has been nausea.

My mom’s cute. She asked me when we can be excited. I told her that we can be but that until I announce it to the masses, to remain cautious. She agreed.

Next steps: I graduated from Shady Grove Fertility Center today and I have my first appt with my OB scheduled for March 17th (two more weeks). I was told that I might not get another u/s so I shouldn’t be surprised if I don’t.

Chat soon!

6w 2d – Waves of Nausea

I’m having a hard time dealing with the nausea. They come in waves and each day the waves are getting bigger and stronger. One minute I’m feeling normal and then the next this wave comes over me and my stomach is unsettled.  It’s not awful. I mean so many women have it way worse than I do. And I hate to complain about it because nothing would make me happier to know this is from the pregnancy.

When at work, sometimes I find it hard to make it to the end of the day. All I want to do is go home and lay down. I find myself munching on bland foods to keep something in my tummy or sipping on Ginger Ale.

But you know what the crappy thing is? The progesterone inserts can be the thing causing all this. The pregnancy itself may not be contributing to a single bit of these symptoms. It’s so hard to tell. Until I am off the progesterone inserts.

The past week I’ve been going to bed fairly early only because laying down makes me feel better. So I’m not getting a single thing done that needs to get done.

I’m two days about from the terrifying first u/s. I should be happy and I really want to be but I’m just not. I have the last cycle still pretty raw in my mind and how at my first and second u/s, the sac was empty. I know I shouldn’t keep dwelling on it but I can’t help it.

The weekend will go by pretty quickly and I’ll soon be walking into the clinic for the u/s. Monday will be the tell all. Please send prayers.

A tad bit of happy

Oh boy, I keep doing it. I keep letting my blog get too far behind and then I spent time catching ya’ll up on things. It’s amazing how life goes to quickly yet at the same time I feel like I am watching the minutes tick away.

I’ve been keeping buy during my two week wait. I have a craft show coming up this weekend so the last few weeks have been preparing for that. I’ll be glad when it’s over but I’m really hoping to sell some of my things. I have some things that are years old that I’d love to find a new home.

So let’s talk a minute about the retrieval and transfer. I still really love retrievals. I love being taken care of and being put in the deepest 15 minute sleep of all time. I just love it. So all that went well. In past retrievals they usually retrieve less eggs than what they have measured in the days leading up to retrieval. But this time, they were measuring 12 follicles pretty much the entire time of stimming. So when I wake up and the doctor comes in to tell me how many they retrieved, and she said 17, I yelled out, “no shit!”. I couldn’t believe it. I actually got more eggs than what they have been measuring. I was flying high!

My clinic decided to change their rules and make all transfer day 5’s (which to me is much better). So I waited five days, while receiving the daily status calls. Out of the 17, 14 were mature and 8 fertilized. Ok. Still better than any of the previous cycles. I’ll take it.

They transferred in the three BEST embryos. Two were blastocysts and one was an early blastocyst. Again, better than last time. Now the fun part begins. We wait.

My transfer was on 1/19 (Monday), and the following Saturday (1/24) I began home testing. The morning test was negative. I was bummed. I tested again before I went to bed and it was positive.  Each day I tested the line got darker. I couldn’t believe it. By the time it was beta day, the positive line was darker than the control line. Not that means anything but that didn’t happen before.

My beta was on 2/2. I was a nervous wreck even though I had all those positives. Let me remind you though, the last cycle I had positive home tests, a positive beta, the beta increased properly, but the u/s showed an empty sac. Even the second u/s a week later showed that same empty sac. I cried right there on the table.

So this time, I won’t believe it until the u/s, which is 2/16. So far away!

  • Beta #1 (14dp5dt) – 653
  • Beta #2 (16dp5dt) – 1670

So now I wait…again.