I had my second ultrasound today. Last week’s there was a gestational sac but it was empty. All week I have been so worried and scared. I was so happy to be pregnant that I feared it would be taken away.

I get to the doctors office and my heart is pounding in my chest and I’m beginning to shake. I go in and get ready and I tried not to look at the monitor as she is inserting the ultrasound wand. But I had to.

Empty.

I sat up and just broke down crying. The doctor said to get dressed and meet me in the conference room. So I did and she went over my options.

1. miscarry naturally
2. take some meds to help me miscarry
3. do a D&C

I’ve decided to go with a D&C. I don’t want the terrible cramps and massive amounts of blood, just to remind me of what didn’t last. I’ve had a D&C once before when my birth control patch (many, many years ago) caused me to bleed three weeks of the month.

I provided two dates for it and I hope it’s next Thursday so I don’t end up miscarrying on my own.

I’m sad.

When I walked in the house, ugly crying, I sat on my sofa and my super sweet dog Kona curled up with me. She even did some things that did make me laugh. I didn’t cry much longer.

I told everyone who has been following my journey and I got many hugs, prayers and thoughts sent my way. I realize this is an awkward situation and most people don’t know what to say but saying things like:

• it will happen, you’ll see
• go the surrogacy route, my first is on her 9th pregnancy helping people
• things happen- don’t let it get you down because the future holds so much
• God is good and timing is everything

These people don’t have a clue and have no problems making babies. I know they are trying to be positive and say the right things but that’s not it.

I have one more IVF try left.

I will get back on the horse and try one last time.

I will be a mother or I won’t.