Today’s the big day

Where I find out if I’m pregnant or not. I was actually really nervous this morning. But why? I’ve been doing home tests almost the entire time and it was always negative. I guess maybe I was hoping it was wrong or that my numbers just weren’t high enough to be detected, so why would I be nervous then?

Because I’d be pregnant! I know, I mean isn’t that what I want? Of course it is but it also doesn’t mean I won’t be nervous when it does happen. More excited but with a side of nervous.

My nurse calls around the same time for blood work results so I purposely left my cell phone in my purse so I wouldn’t see when she calls. Normally I answer but for some reason I couldn’t bring myself to hear the bad news in real time. Every once in a while I pulled my phone out to check and there it was – 1 missed call! Here we go…I listen to the voicemail and like I had suspected, it was a negative. I was more sad this time than I have been during any of the other tries.

I think part of me is wondering how my body could reject three embryos. What if this never happens for me? I probably shouldn’t think this way yet, but when should I? After the next try? I only have three transfers and I’ve used one of them. After the 2nd try, do I start thinking about an egg donor and good Lord, will insurance pay for that, plus I have to find one and I’m not sure what that even involves. Okay, I vented for a minute but I’m pushing this to the back corner of my mind for now. For now.

After I was sad for a bit. I thought, alright, come on menses, lets get this show on the road so I can start back up! Don’t you dare take a week to start! I mean it! I’m ready!

My donor situation is this – he has none until July, so they say. So menses will start, then I’ll be on birth control for three weeks and then start up injections again. That puts me about a month from now. I hope my donor has donated to his account again. If not, I have some back-ups in place. See a few months ago I paid for a 90-day subscription so today I went through and downloaded photos for some others just in case my donor hasn’t stocked up again.

During my two week wait, I stopped my vitamins except the prenatal and CoQ10. But tonight I’ve started back up on the others I was taking before. I think they helped and I wasn’t even on them for a full three months like most things need to be 100% useful. So the other ones I take are DHEA (helps with egg quality), D3, and iron. I’ve read that all of these can help with getting a successful pregnancy. Of course they haven’t worked yet but I was only taking them for about two months.

I have confidence that the next try will be much better. Or at least I’m trying to have confidence.

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